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Monday, December 07, 2009

10 best jobs in the world

http://www.oddee.com/item_96855.aspx, a pity none of them seem to be in singapore.

cocked up by YL at 5:09 PM   ---  0 comments

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Chapter 4: Felt like a whore? So did I!

Admittedly, there were times in NS when I felt like I was a dirty whore. It was definitely the closest that I've felt to being a whore in my entire life. In that respect, ns has fulfilled its educational objective. I swear, if I walk past the streets of Geylang at night, I'm sure I'll have a greater sense of empathy for the long-haired people in high heels drinking beer with old men. After all, it wasn't so long ago that I was watching people drink beer in the army mess.

Catering to the not-very-reasonable demands of multiple bosses probably felt something like a whore serving multiple clients, though I expect she'll charge more. And the wholesale disregard for your welfare? Check. Years from now, I'll still be wondering why the fuck did I ever skip lunch to finish up work for somebody else.

Lack of appreciation? Check. After an audit, it's 'thank you everyone for the hard work put in' and then BAM! 'you need to serve extras cos even though the end-result proved ok, in the process you didn't know what you were doing'. That was one of the most pissing off days of my life. I worked overtime for a few weeks so that they could take my weekend away. But in reflection, it was a learning experience.

For one, it was a day of enlightenment for me. The incident told me that whatever I did scarcely matters, that nobody gives a fuck about me. Seen in another light, it means I don't have to seek to impress anyone, I don't have to give a fuck either. It's like the philosophy in Fight Club, where you have to lose everything so that you can do anything, well sort of. A transcendent experience.

Seen in another light, it also helps in anger management, because if I had done something stupid like punch someone, then I wouldn't be at home shaking leg and posting this. Another educational experience. I think I'd better stop before everyone thinks the world of NS.

There! The last chapter! Honestly the memories fade away pretty quickly, there's a lot that we forget, especially unpleasant experiences, I guess that's what most blogs are for, to whine and rant, and to remember the things that were worth whining and ranting about.

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cocked up by YL at 8:00 PM   ---  0 comments

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Chapter 3: Sleepless Sunday Nights

Ah wells, those sleepless sunday nights are a thing of the past, at least until I get a proper job or school starts. Now, the only reason I can't sleep at night would be cos I sleep too much in the afternoon. yay.

Still, memories of those nights have taught me a great deal. (don't be fooled into thinking this sentence connects logically with the sentences below.)

a) Uncertainty is a multiplier of fear

Often, when you step back and think, you'd realise there's nothing to be afraid of, for example, if you're late or didn't do an assignment or misplaced an isac card (computer card in army), there's actually nothing much to it. Or in basic camp, when the most for a minor offence was push-ups, there was nothing much to fear. But uncertainty loomed and we were all scared shitless. We should all learn to embrace fear, and I recommend Harold and Kumar go to Guantanamo Bay

b) Stupidity is good

When you're universally acknowledged to be incompetent, everyone lowers their expectations of you, and that is good. Because at least in NS, dignity doesn't count for anything, cos you don't have any to begin with. Like that time I had a free off cos I went for a medical appointment on the wrong day.

c) Work is never-ending, but life isn't

Usually, we forget this fact when we are swamped, when the boss is squeezing the balls. We fail to realise that all his ball-squeezing are for his benefit and not us. Anyway, i've known from experience that starting work early has absolutely no correlation with ending work early, so it really doesn't hurt to take a nap in the morning, and then again in the afternoon.

d) Slack jobs are not always the best

As an enlightened guy in my camp said, you might sleep so much you just don't wake up.

e) Shit falls on Fridays

This is an immutable fact. Shit never came in so many forms and flavors as on a Friday afternoon. So make sure you get your ass covered. Don't ask me I don't know how, if I knew I wouldn't have been the last one leaving the camp for so many Fridays.

f) You think you own a handphone. Guess what? The handphone owns you now.

Has your heart been conditioned so that it drops like a stone when your handphone rings? If so, you are officially the property of your handphone and the slave of the evil forces that lurk on the other end. Evil forces that have the power over your weekends. Somebody should really do a comic about this.

And that's all for this chapter. About one more chapter to go!

cocked up by YL at 3:26 PM   ---  0 comments

Thursday, October 01, 2009

A leg brace ain't enough to get you a seat in Singapore

For those who know me, you'll know that i've been wearing this leg brace, something like below, except mine is sexier.




















An important thing to note for those who intend to get sexy like me is that it's not enough to get you a seat in Singapore's trains. A leg brace just doesn't smack hard enough in commuters' conscience, or they may simply lack one. I got onto the train towards pasir ris at queenstown and had to stand until raffles place.

And even then, it wasn't as if somebody gave their seat up. I had to say " FUCK OFF ASSHOLES THAT'S MY SEAT" before charging through with my fist and plonking my ass down.

But that is not to say that Singaporeans are discourteous. I can think of a host of reasons for why nobody gave their seat up to me.

1. All those sitting down were genuinely asleep, eyes closed or otherwise.

2. All those sitting down were tourists or foreign workers. This would mean that Singaporeans aren't the discourteous ones.

3. Everyone was too busy staring at my handsome face to notice that I was wearing a leg brace. Honestly, I like this reason best. Anyway, one of the ladies who had been fighting with me for the seat later said, "I'm sorry I didn't see your leg brace." Point proven.

Room for improvement:
In order to get a seat in the train, it would be necessary to bring along 2 crutches. I really can't see how that can fail. If you still cannot get a seat, then just jab the crutch at the nearest guy and see if he takes the hint. Too extreme? Then just drop the crutches on his legs accidentally, and repeat that until he takes the hint. Speaking of crutches, i've got a pair for sale, who wants?

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cocked up by YL at 2:37 PM   ---  1 comments

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Chapter 2: The Most Dangerous Thing in NS is a Sense Of Responsibility

hmm let's hope that the title isn't the most interesting part of the chapter.

So in any new working environment, the new guy would need time to fit in. Chances are that he's a decent bloke who wants to make a good impression, on his bosses, on the people around him. In the present age of high unemployment, such behaviour makes perfect sense, because unemployment looms menacingly. So that's what most nsfs do.

Except that it doesn't bring much benefit. Because bosses know that you're going to ord anyway. Because bosses don't really give a hoot about welfare unless it gets them into trouble. And because the sense of responsibility is sometimes a parasite that eats away at the soul.

But without a moral compass that is this article, most fail to maximise their time in ns.

The blabber above can be summarised in : Only the good feel guilty.

cocked up by YL at 9:30 PM   ---  0 comments

Friday, September 11, 2009

Chapter 1: Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

This is going to be the start of a mini-series on ns life (well what other life do i have?). It's probably going to start in a chronological order, and end in total disorder. In fact there may be some repetition since i've already written on the Te Kong Delight in December last year, see http://talkcocksummit.blogspot.com/2008/12/holiday.html.

Let's start by talking about comfort. It's not something we can readily define. Is it picture-perfect like sipping champagne on a yacht somewhere in the Mediterranean? Or is it something as simple as eating a bag of potato chips? It's a real mystery. But being able to piss after the 10th water parade certainly felt quite comfortable. As did going home for a few hours after a week of abuse. It's really quite amazing what suffering one can put up with as long as it's in a group.

One of the starting phrases introduced is: GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE.
And my reply would be yea, as soon as you stick your finger up your ass permanently. That can't be very comfortable, and you would definitely leading by example. Not that I would necessarily follow. I think God meant for our rear ends to be one way streets outwards.
Thus, learning point 1: Don't ask me to get out of my comfort zone.

Another topic is leadership. This is a difficult thing to define, cos let's say I'm walking in front of a large crowd towards somewhere, maybe the toilet. Just as i reach the entrance i turn around and tell all those behind me, " Lo and behold, worship me, for i have led you to the promised land!" I'm quite sure the crowd would just shove me aside. Their full bladders were leading them to the toilet anyway, so i could not be the leader. If on the other hand, i make others do what they don't want to do, that is the mark of a true leader.

In the army, though, few are the places where the people are going anyway. The only thing everyone would automatically go for is book out, so doing anything else requires a leader, such as running through a forest with a heat rash on the back, and then waking up to do it again in the middle of the night.
Thus, learning point 2:
army produces leaders because there's so many opportunities to make people do what they do not want to do.



cocked up by YL at 7:57 PM   ---  0 comments

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Car of thought

I don't like cars. I can't tell a Mercedes from a BMW, nor a Jaguar from a Lamborghini. To me, boasting about how fast your car can go is the same as boasting about how rich your parents are. Doesn't reflect anything and it doesn't impress me.

Doesn't make sense? Well this is talk cock summit. Get used to it noob!

Much as I don't like cars, I still have this male ego in me. Which means I like one-upmanship or at least, the feeling of being equal. I can't stand not having something everyone else has. Unless that thing is something which I think I don't want - which okay, doesn't make me very much of a one-upmanship sorta person.

But the driving licence is an exception. So when others have it I must have it too.

Recently I've started taking lessons - and in fact I've just finished one of those mind-numbing sessions where my instructor forces me to go round and round and round because my engine keeps fucking stalling one way or another. Either that or it bumps along.

I think I listen to too much of gold 90. I can't hear whatever he's saying anymore. But at this rate I'm never going to take my test.

Presenting to you the culprit: THE CLUTCH.

Of course you could say "dumb fuck, sign up for auto" but this male ego thing is really too overwhelming. At the expense of sounding like a chauvinist let's just say if the FEMALES (this ought to add to the chauvinist factor) can do MANUAL, I'd better be able to do it too.

Plus, everyone around me is taking manual. So why should I succumb to auto? This introduced me to the world of engine stalling. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so impressionable, but that's besides the point.

The point now is that most cars in Singapore are using auto. So far all my friends that pass their driving tests are using auto cars. Hence fucking manual is outdated. Which brings up to another new point - who invented the clutch?

It only makes sense that technology progresses forward, not backward. And if you were to represent the auto and manual cars mathematically:

Manual car = Clutch + Accelerator + Brake
Auto car = Accelerator + Brake

Hence, auto car is simpler and should be invented first. So who the fuck was the kanchiong spider that invented the manual first and caused the world so much trouble? By the fact the manual car was invented first, there are so many of them around and it's hard to get rid of a few millions of cars so I have to learn the manual way.

The auto car, on the other hand, is elegant and is now taking over the world. Its driving should not be unlike those in an arcade, with only two pedals. Sounds like my kind of stuff.

Fuck, if Daytona had a clutch pedal when you played manual, I guarantee you no one would be playing their silly racing games. And by the way, I always use auto to play Daytona. That gives you an impression of what a lazy bum I am.

So that aside, whoever invented cars must have been a very weird person. How can you possibly invent something one step ahead of a future invention? It's like inventing the handphone before the telephone - because by a simple mathematical equation:

Telephone: Communication ability
Handphone: Communication ability + Portability

Whoever invented the car jumped the queue, and now millions of people are paying the price for it when they take their manual lessons.

Okay fine I just suck at driving. Doggone it!

cocked up by YJ at 11:52 AM   ---  0 comments

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